Regrets After 60: Living With Choices You Can't Undo
Regrets feels heavier after 60 when time is finite, and some choices can't be undone. How to grieve what's lost and still build something meaningful with what's left
In this Article:
I spent decades with anorexia and bulimia. Living with the obsessional heartache and reflections of the time and opportunities I lost.
I made financial decisions I can't undo. Relationships that ended badly, and career paths I didn't take.
And now, at 68, I'm living with regrets I can't fix.
When I mention this, people rush in to make me feel better: "Don't dwell on the past! Focus on the future!"
Today I'm talking about regrets after 60 - when you're running out of time to make things right.
The Weight of Regret After 60
Regret feels different after 60, heavier and more permanent.
When you're younger, regret comes with possibility:
"I can still change careers."
"I can repair that relationship."
"I have time to fix this."
After 60, the sense of time changes.
Time is finite. Some doors have closed, some people are gone, and some choices can't be undone.
Common regrets that haunt so many of us:
Career paths not taken.
"What if I'd pursued that dream instead of playing it safe?"
Relationships that ended badly.
"What if I'd handled that differently? What if I'd said what I needed to say?"
Financial mistakes.
"What if I'd saved more, invested differently, not made that terrible decision?"
Time wasted.
Years lost to keeping the peace. To toxic relationships, jobs that drained you, and to fears that kept you safe but static.
Things left unsaid.
To people now gone. Apologies. I love you’s, and the truths that mattered.
The body you abused or neglected.
And now it's breaking down, and you can't get those years back.
When you're 68, "someday I'll fix this" isn't an option anymore.
What People Say That Doesn't Help
When you talk about regret, here's what people say:
"Don't live in the past! Focus on the present!"
I AM living in the present, but the past LIVES IN ME. In my bones. In my bank account, and in the relationships that are gone.
"Everything happens for a reason!"
No! Sometimes, terrible choices just happen, and no reason makes them okay.
"At least you learned from it!"
Did I? Sometimes you just make a mistake, and the lesson doesn't undo the awful consequences.
"You did the best you could with what you knew."
Maybe, but that doesn't erase the damage or bring back the time.
"Forgive yourself and move on."
HOW? How do you forgive yourself when the consequences are still affecting you daily?
What they're protecting:
If they let you sit with real regret, they'd have to face their own.
So they rush you past it, make it smaller, and even spiritualise it.
But regret after 60 is real. Heavy, and it doesn't resolve with platitudes.
The Specific Regrets
Let me get specific about the regrets that keep women up at 3am:
"I stayed too long."
In a bad marriage, the soul-sucking job, or the toxic friendship.
You knew, but you stayed. Years you can't get back.
"I didn't speak up."
You let people mistreat you. You swallowed your voice to keep the peace at your own expense.
And now it's too late to say what needed saying.
"I prioritised the wrong things."
Work over relationships. Approval over authenticity, or safety over dreams.
You have the career/money/house, but you lost what actually mattered.
"I hurt people I loved."
Things you said, stuff you did. Betrayals, abandonments, and insensitivities.
They're gone now, or the relationship is broken beyond repair.
"I didn't take care of my body."
Addictions, neglect, or abuse.
And now you're paying the price in chronic pain, disease, and limitations - of body, mind, heart, and soul.
"I didn't take the risks."
The job you didn't apply for. The relationship you didn't pursue, or the move you didn't make.
You played it safe, and now you wonder: what if?
"I wasted so much time."
On people who didn't matter. On worries that never happened, or on trying to be someone you weren't.
And you can't get those years back.
These aren't abstract regrets. They're specific, concrete, and they have consequences you're living with NOW.
What Actually Helps
So what DO you do with regrets after 60 when you can't undo them?
How can we relate to these regrets without getting lost in self-pity?
Stop fighting the regret.
It's there, it's real, and fighting it just adds more suffering.
"I have regrets, that's what's true, and I can be with this."
Not wallowing, just acknowledging.
Separate regret from self-punishment.
Regret: "I wish I'd made different choices."
Self-punishment: "I'm a terrible person who ruined everything."
One is honest, the other is torture.
You can regret choices without hating yourself.
Grieve what's lost.
You lost time, opportunities. Relationships, health, or money.
That's real loss, you're allowed to grieve it.
Grief isn't dwelling. It's honouring what mattered.
Make meaning from the mess.
Not "everything happens for a reason."
But: "Given this happened, what can I do NOW?"
My eating disorders damaged my bones. I can't undo that, but I can build the strongest body possible with what I have now.
My financial mistakes can't be erased, but I can make better choices going forward.
I can't repair relationships with people who are gone. But I can be honest in the relationships I have now.
This is not about silver linings. It's asking: what becomes possible from here?
Do what you CAN still do.
Some things are too late. Some aren't.
You can't redo your 30s, but you can live your 60s and beyond differently.
You can't bring back people who've died, but you can reach out to people still here.
You can't erase past bad choices, but you can make new helpful ones.
What's still possible? Do THAT.
Apologise where possible.
If there are people you hurt who are still alive and reachable, apologise.
Not to be absolved. Not expecting forgiveness, but because you can.
Just: "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I see that now."
Sometimes they'll receive it, sometimes they won't, but you'll have said it.
Let some regrets just... be.
Not everything can be resolved. Not everything has a lesson.
Some regrets you just carry and learn to live with.
That's being human.
Focus on who you're becoming NOW.
You can't change who you were, but hallelujah, you can change who you're becoming.
The woman I was at 30 made some terrible choices. The woman I am at 68 is making different ones.
Both are true.
Stop trying to replace what you lost.
Get specific about who you're becoming.
Do one small thing that proves you're still capable of growth.
That's not a fix, it's a really good start.
Remember: you can hate getting older and still love who you're becoming.
The Paradox
Here's the paradox I've had to accept:
I can regret choices I made AND still love who I'm becoming.
I can wish I'd done things differently AND accept I can't change the past.
I can grieve what I lost AND build something meaningful with what's left.
I can carry regret AND still live fully.
All of it is true.
What changed for me:
I used to think: "If I just forgive myself, the regret will go away."
Now I know: The regret doesn't go away, I just learn to carry it without it crushing me.
I used to think: "I need to make peace with the past."
Now I know: Sometimes you just acknowledge it and move forward anyway.
I used to think: "These regrets mean I wasted my life."
Now I know: I made mistakes, and I'm still here, and I can still build something good.
The Truth
Regrets after 60 are heavy. Time is finite, and some things can't be undone.
You can regret choices AND still love who you're becoming.
You can grieve what's lost AND build something meaningful with what's left.
You can carry regrets AND still live fully.
All of it is true.
You're not defined by your worst choices.
Closing Thoughts
If this resonates with you, please comment below and share it with someone who might be struggling with the same feelings.
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Penelope Lane is a clinical psychologist, mindfulness teacher, and fitness and brain health trainer who helps women over 60 build whole strength—body, mind, heart, and soul. At 67, she's learned the hard way that staying alive isn't the same as feeling alive.
