You Can Hate Getting Older AND Love Who You're Becoming
This might sound contradictory, but you can hate getting older AND love who you're becoming.
Both at the same time. You don't have to choose.
I'm Penelope Lane, and today I'm talking about the paradox nobody prepares you for - and why holding both truths is actually the point.
In this Article:
What This Looks Like
Here's what I mean:
You can hate what ageing is doing to your body AND appreciate the wisdom you're gaining.
You can grieve what you've lost AND be curious about what's emerging.
You can be furious about invisibility AND discover freedom in caring less about what others think.
You can despise the wrinkles AND respect the woman who earned them.
Both things can be true at once.
This is the paradox nobody prepares you for.
When you say both - that you hate parts of aging AND love who you're becoming - people look uncomfortable.
They say: "But you're becoming wiser! That's what matters! Focus on the positive!"
Or they say: "Well, if you hate it so much, fight harder! Don't give in!"
But both responses miss the point.
Because reality is: I DO hate parts of getting older. AND I DO love who I'm becoming.
Both, always both.
The False Choice
Two options for ageing are offered to us:
Option 1: Fight it with everything you've got.
The anti-ageing industry abounds with creams, procedures, and the desperation to look younger.
Pretend you're not ageing, deny what's happening, and resist every change.
Option 2: Embrace it with open arms.
"Ageing is beautiful! Be grateful! Love every wrinkle! It's all a blessing!"
Bandaid positivity- forced acceptance. And it denies that it's hard.
Both options require you to lie.
One demands you pretend you're not ageing.
The other demands you pretend it doesn't hurt.
But There's a Third Way
What if you could tell the truth about both?
What if you could hate the physical decline AND appreciate the emotional growth?
What if you could grieve the losses AND be curious about what's possible?
What if you didn't have to perform either despair or positivity?
That's ageing honestly.
What This Actually Looks Like
The women who navigate ageing with the most grace and grit are the ones who refuse to choose sides.
They're honest about what's hard.
They're open to what's possible.
They hold both truths without needing to resolve the tension.
Here's what that looks like in real life:
Hating that you can't do what you used to do physically
- AND discovering new ways to move that feel good in your body now.
Not pretending it's fine that your body has changed. And not giving up on movement entirely.
Both.
Grieving the loss of your professional or Social identity
- AND slowly uncovering what you actually want to do with your time, free from proving anything to anyone.
Not denying the grief and not staying stuck in it.
Both.
Feeling invisible in public
-AND realising you can finally wear what you want, say what you think, take up space on your own terms.
Not pretending invisibility doesn't hurt and not letting it erase you.
Both.
Resenting the limitations agEing brings
-AND appreciating that you're finally learning to ask for help without feeling like a failure.
Not loving the dependence and not fighting it so hard that you isolate yourself.
Both.
Hating the wrinkles, the sags, the changes
-AND respecting the life that created them.
Not forcing yourself to love every line and not hating yourself for them either.
Both.
This isn't about "looking on the bright side."
It's about standing in the full truth of what ageing is: loss AND growth, grief AND possibility, endings AND new beginnings.
Why the Paradox Matters
The paradox is the point.
It's not about resolving the tension between hate and love.
It's about learning to stand in that tension (the messy middle)with honesty and curiosity.
To let both be true.
To stop performing either positivity or despair.
This is what I mean by ageing honestly:
Not pretending it's all beautiful when it's not.
Not wallowing in it’s all terrible when it's not.
Telling the truth about both.
Why this matters:
When you only acknowledge the hate, you get stuck in bitterness.
When you only acknowledge the love, you bypass the real losses.
But when you hold both, you become whole.
You don't have to be grateful for ageing to appreciate who you're becoming.
You don't have to love your wrinkles to love yourself.
You don't have to embrace every change to build a meaningful life.
Not performing positivity, and not drowning in bitterness. Just acknowledging the truth—and building something real from that.
That's whole strength.
Body ageing, mind adapting, heart grieving AND growing, soul finding meaning in all of it.
A Practice to Hold Both (To Get You Started)
Letting Both Voices Speak
Stand somewhere you won't be interrupted. You're going to give both truths a voice - literally speak them out loud as if two parts of you are having a conversation.
The setup:
Voice 1 (The Hater): Speaks the truth about what you don't like about ageing
Voice 2 (The Lover): Speaks the truth about liking who you're becoming
You (The Observer): Listens to both without trying to resolve or fix.
Examples:
Hater: "I'm so angry my body is falling apart. I hate that I can't do what I used to."
Lover: "But I'm finally learning what actually matters. I'm less afraid of what people think."
Hater: " I'm losing capability, and it terrifies me."
Lover: "I know. And I'm also discovering I don't need to prove myself anymore."
Observer (you): "Both of you are telling the truth. Both of you get to be here."
The practice:
Let each voice speak. Don't try to make the Hater shut up. Don't force the Lover to convince the Hater that everything's fine.
Just let both speak their truth.
Then, as the Observer, acknowledge both: "Yes. Both are true."
Why this works:
You're not trying to resolve the tension or make one voice "win."
You're practising being the person who can hear both and say: "Yes. Both are real and both belong."
This is just a taste of the work we do in my Whole Strength framework - learning to hold the paradox without performing positivity or staying stuck in bitterness.
It's not about fixing yourself. It's about building the capacity to stand in the tension and find your way through.
Closing Thoughts
You can hate getting older AND love who you're becoming.
Remember: You don't have to choose. You can hold both.
That's not confusion. That's wisdom.
If this resonates with you, please comment below and share it with someone who might be struggling with the same feelings.
Ready to stop fighting your age and start building actual strength? Subscribe to Ageing Honestly HERE for bi-weekly essays and videos that tell the truth about what ageing asks—and what it gives back. Real talk, no anti-ageing messages, and no forced positivity.
And remember - you're not just ageing. You're evolving and deepening and expanding in wisdom, fulfillment, purpose, courage, and joy. You're finding yourself again, one honest moment at a time.
Penelope Lane is a clinical psychologist, mindfulness teacher, and fitness and brain health trainer who helps women over 60 build whole strength—body, mind, heart, and soul. At 67, she's learned the hard way that staying alive isn't the same as feeling alive.