Why fighting ageing and pretending it isn’t hard both promise something nobody can deliver.
Sometimes, when I talk honestly about ageing, I notice people lose interest. Being real about getting older is harder than picking a side, anti-ageing or pro-ageing, and expecting certainty to come with it.
The last time you wanted to feel sure about getting older, what did you reach for? An anti-ageing fix or a pro-ageing pep talk?
And how long did that feeling of certainty last?
Here’s my answer.
In this Article:
What buying anti-ageing looked like for me
I bought the lotions and potions. I tried new programs and procedures. I pushed myself too far, hoping that if I worked hard enough, I could avoid what was ahead. The feeling of certainty never lasted. Getting older came anyway.
One morning at the gym, I lifted heavy weights even though I had promised myself not to. My competitive side took over, and I kept going. I finished the workout and acted like everything was fine, but by evening, my back hurt, and I knew why.
I ended up with a cabinet full of jars and a body that hurt and had its own limits. None of it gave me the certainty I was looking for. Instead, I had less money and more worry about being a burden to my kids.
What buying pro-ageing looked like for me
The other approach was quieter. I tried to be grateful and positive. I bought into the idea of “ageing gracefully”, which really just meant not making a fuss, not complaining, and keeping my worries to myself so others wouldn’t have to deal with them.
I stayed on that path for years. On the outside, I seemed calm. Inside, I was just tired, hiding it behind good posture and an empty smile.
One day, a friend read an early draft of an email I wrote and said, “I didn’t realise it was that bad for you.”
I know she was being supportive, but it unsettled me. It felt like someone could really see what I was going through.
For the next few days, I tried to hide it. I took on extra tasks I didn’t really want, just to prove I was handling things. I smiled more than usual and tried to think positively.
I wanted to make sure that if she or anyone else looked at me again, they wouldn’t see the worry and exhaustion underneath.
It took me a few days to realise what I was doing. Even though I’m writing a whole book about this pattern, I still fell into it.
That’s what pretending looks like. You act like everything is fine so well that you stop checking if it really is.
What neither one will ever sell you
Neither industry can sell you the certainty you crave. Uncertainty doesn’t go away because you’ve paid for it. You’re only buying the feeling of control, and that feeling doesn’t last.
What actually helped me was noticing what was true, feeling what was underneath it, and being honest about it, even when honest wasn’t comfortable. No product can do that for you. It’s something you do, and then you keep doing it.
It’s also the only thing that’s ever worked for me.
That’s ageing honestly.
Stop fighting yourself
If you’d like some structure for this, I created the Stop Fighting Yourself course. It gives you a way to practise noticing, feeling and being honest every day, so it becomes part of how you live each day.
It’s a self-paced, practical 30-day program built on this: it takes less energy to notice what’s really going on than to keep struggling against it.
All that fighting is exhausting. Living in a constant state of stress is linked to faster ageing at a cellular level, and it leaves you less energy for living.
The goal is to help you reclaim some of that energy and put it back into your life.
You’ll find the details about this course below.
Closing Thoughts
If this blog resonated with you and you want to connect, comment below with a word or a story, or simply say 'here.'
There's more of this work available—free bi-weekly Ageing Honestly letters. And if you would like to find out more about the new Who Am I Now? course, here’s the link: Stop Fighting Yourself
Penelope Lane is a clinical psychologist, mindfulness teacher, and fitness and brain health trainer who helps women over 60 build whole strength—body, mind, heart, and soul. At 68 she's learned the hard way that staying alive isn't the same as feeling alive.
